(girl)

sparky has no turtle. but peep that hamburger bun.

i honestly don't know how to describe the magnitude of getting to see sparky kicking and punching and sucking her thumb and fingers on a big flat screen tv in front of me. i just lay there with my belly exposed and took it all in: there is her cerebellum. all four chambers of her heart, which is pulsing steadily at 148 beats per minute. her ribs. her kidneys. toes and fingers. humerus. femur. that's my daughter in there. all eight ounces of her. she is perfect and alive and she kicked hard at my belly button for the rest of the afternoon.

amen.

so, the big bits-revealing ultrasound is scheduled for monday, and i'd love your vibey vote. so go here to guess sparky's bits!

dear lj friends,

just wanted to let you know that i am about 10 weeks pregnant. due june 15. sick sick sick. and oh so happy. it has been a long journey to get here, and though we're not out of the woods yet, little sparky appears to be strong and healthy and growing. (hence the sick.)

i probably won't be posting much here, but you can follow us over at bananie.

for those who don't know our story, we recently lost our little cat, gunther, who was sick from about 5 weeks old.

two days after gunnie's death, we found two stray kittens, who we took in with hopes of adopting out. their names are chavez and phineas.

yeseterday, we found out that phineas has a heart condition that requires medical attention we cannot afford. if you can help, please donate at bananie.com.

say you were in a graduate class that meets every other week. the day of the last class, you had a day fulla panic b/c your chemicals were crazy, and you found yourself drooling in the living room when you should have been at the school you have paid lots of dollars to attend.

say two weeks pass. you are caught up on your assignments and you have two hours until class. suddenly, your stomach goes apeshit. you think it has something to do with the bok choi and broccoli you'd eaten an hour before. the bathroom becomes your new hangout. the cramps in your belly make you want to cry.

you're nervous about driving to school in so precarious a state. this is not psychosomatic: this effing hurts.

what would you do?

tuesday morning. i have a day off, glory be.

i'm sitting on the porch with jesse cat, a cup of coffee, my camera, and--of course--my lappy. helen is dressed up like a teacher in a school full of childrens. i will drive over to my therapist's office in a little while.

sometimes i wonder if i should show up there with a list of things eating at me, so that she can dispel them one by one. that's what i pay her for, right?

without fail, i sit down in her office, take a swig of water, and go absolutely blank. i suddenly feel as if i'm about to begin an ill-fated interview, rather than a therapeutic appointment to help me be a healthier person on the inside. more than once, she has said to me as i fumble for words: "i feel like i'm working harder than you are right now", and she's right. for being a person who prides herself on her ability to communicate, "i don't know" becomes my favorite phrase.

am i making any progress at all? my therapist says i am. after all, i haven't fallen into the abysmal place since june. that's a longer stretch than i can remember happening in recent years.

today, i can imagine myself telling her about gunther. we took him to the vet yesterday, and they don't know what's wrong with him. at six months old, he weighs 2 lbs 3 oz. he has been acting like a kitty who is not feeling good, and so he had to endure blood tests. only, three people couldn't hold down my 2 lb kitten long enough to draw the blood. gunther is a fighter. after several unsuccessful needle pokes into his neck, he had to be sedated. they shaved his neck, and his bare little throat looks like it's been attacked by vampires.

last night, the sedative had not worn off. he shook with cold, couldn't eat, and stumbled around, stoned.
clem nosed him off the couch once, and he landed on his head. i feel sick.

he slept with me, pressed against my hip under the blankets. he responded to food this morning, though he is still walking like he's a little bit stoned. we will know the results of the blood tests this afternoon.

i will tell my therapist that i'm afraid little gunther's life hangs in the balance today. that we've known all along that he wouldn't have a normal kitty life, but that i am afraid of him being in pain. and i am afraid of letting him go. i will tell her that i am trying to be positive and peaceful around the world's tiniest kitten.
i will say that i want to be selfish and do everything i can to keep him alive for a long, long time.

he's not just a sick little kitten, i'll say. he's part of our family. we allowed his mother to get pregnant so that we could meet him. we are responsible for the existence of his life at all.

time to go.

clem and i would like to wish everyone in lj-land a belated happy new year.

kisses from the ohchicken clan.

(nicked from seasons )

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
got a personal trainer.

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
i don't remember, and um, i don't know yet.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
chloe, my cat. and my friend rachel.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
we lost drunk jim this year. and boomp.

5. What countries did you visit?
texas.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
much less drama.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
september 1, when we moved into our new home.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
it's a toss between actually starting my masters, and learning to take pictures better.

9. What was your biggest failure?
letting things i cannot control or change take me over emotionally.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
yes.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
macbook pro.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my sister, who sends christmas cards addressed to both of us now.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
scary evil former neighbor, who threatened to kill my dog, and called me the c word, because he doesn't like "the gays".

14. Where did most of your money go?
aforementioned macbook pro, new house things, and frivolity.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
the prospects of adoption. the new house. taking pictures. the return of justin timberlake.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
gnarz barkley's crazy, sexyback, jars of clay's work.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? Happier.
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter but fitter.
iii. richer or poorer? richer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
travelling.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
drinking to the point of hangovers.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
christmas eve in the country with helen's mom and the dogs. christmas day at home with the dogs and cats and PRESENTS and wine and spirits and tofurkey.

21. What was the best concert you attended?
you know i'm losing my touch when the only shows i saw this year were: aqualung (b/c jude gave me tix) and my jarboys (because steve gave me tix). both were lovely, however.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
every day.

23. How many one-night stands?
working on the four year stand.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
colbert, six feet reruns, vicar of dibley, and flava of love 2.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
i'm a lover not a hater.

26. What was the best book you read?
i know i've read some good ones. i'm blanking. blanking. "the spiral staircase" by karen armstrong was a really good one.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
andrew bird, brightblack morning light, (opening itunes....), dirty projectors, regina spektor, submarines, stars, the unicorns.

28. What did you want and get?
a new camera! a healthier me. many more pets.

29. What did you want and not get?
married. legally.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
"Little Miss Sunshine".

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i am 28 now. helen and i spent the day together, scooting around town. i gave her dreads. and i gave joey a mohawk. then i got a puppy named clem.

32.What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
no drama. no loss.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
fashionably unfashionable.

34. What kept you sane?
helen and cigarettes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
didn't we all love obama?

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
every.fucking.one.of.them.

37. Who did you miss?
boomp.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
vee and brockett and chris.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
more pets = good idea.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"ha ha ha, bless your soul, you really think you're in control..." (the gnarlz and the barkley, of course)

here's to a gorgeous holiday wherever you are.

kiss the ones who love you, whether they be furry or human. (or scaly, but don't keep the fish out of water too long.)

xo.
annie